The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
FUCK WHALES
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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