Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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