I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
