Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
