Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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