I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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