Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
