You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
