Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
