Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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