She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
