I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
