I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
