you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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