I have demons in me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize