I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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