so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
