and she was petting her beer can
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
