Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
