I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
