I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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