Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
