Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
