Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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