i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
