Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
