There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
