i would punch a child for taco bell
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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