Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
