Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
