can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
