New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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