my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
