wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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