my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
