i was born a porn star she said
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
