if you like me you must not know who I am
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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