like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
