Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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