I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
