she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Who died my cat blue again?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize