She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
