It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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