How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
