maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My ass is underappreciated
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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