Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
