come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
