"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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