The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
