Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
