I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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