the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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