running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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