My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
