I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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