when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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