i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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